This is inspired by a piece done recently on The Today Show: 6 Things You Never Say to Someone Who Has Lost Weight. Those things apply but I feel like there's things people say to us after our surgeries that are just wrong (and some are potentially harmful) so here goes.
"Yeah, I'm losing weight the hard way."
Ok so I should start off telling you that here at Bariatric Foodie we call folks who haven't had weight loss surgery "non-ops." And I got some push-back on that. Listen. It's not a derogatory term. It's simply a term to distinguish someone who has had WLS from someone who has not. Having said that...
You. Non-op. Come closer so we can speak.
Imagine waking up tomorrow and your stomach was a fraction of the size it was before. Imagine taking your first bite of food in the morning and that bite of food makes you violently ill - and you don't quite know why. Imagine everything you eat makes you violently ill. Imagine going out to eat with friends and being done your whole meal before your friends have taken three bites of an appetizer. Imagine having the whole world see you shrink into a person you don't know and have never been before, all while you are supposed to be joyful (instead of freaking out, which is what you really are). Imagine having to remember to take vitamins every day. Imagine having doing the same workout you are doing "the hard way" except your body has only a fraction of the calories to sustain it. Imaging going through all that and having someone imply that you are doing things the "easy" way.
No matter what way you do it, losing weight is hard. So don't say that anymore.
"My sister's cousin's boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's sister had weight loss surgery and they gained all their weight back."
Firstly, no they didn't. That person is an urban legend. While folks who have weight loss surgery can regain, you probably don't know that person.
Beyond that, if you believe in the power of positive thinking, this statement can be really destructive. It spawns fear, self-doubt, self-consciousness. Weight loss surgery patients live in a constant tension between adhering to many guidelines and trying to live a normal life. Many of us are already so petrified of regain that, for all intents and purposes, we've actually worked in earnest to develop eating disorders.
A better thing to say is "I wish you all the best" and leave it at that.
"You've lost too much! You need to stop."
On this one, I have a bit of sympathy. Chances are your friend or family member was overweight or obese for a while before having surgery. And there's a good chance you only ever knew them that way. They are going through big changes. They are shrinking fast.
Rest assured your loved one is being monitored by an expert medical team. They have a bariatric surgeon, a registered dietician and other staff who monitor their weight very closely for the first two years after surgery. Very often their weight and health is monitored pretty closely even after that.
Each person has a different way to determine their goal weight. Unfortunately, it's not up to you to decide what that weight is. Telling someone they've lost too much is just as bad as telling them they have gained too much weight. It promotes low self-esteem and self-consciousness.
A simple "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" is both honest and much more respectful.
And lastly my personal favorite...
"You've changed since you had surgery."
My initial response the first time someone said this to me was "Well...yeah. Isn't that the point?"
My grandmother had a wonderful saying. "If nothing changes, nothing changes." Obesity is not just a disease of eating. Our environments, emotions and stressors can all contribute to our obesity. The only way to sustainably address obesity is to work at all of its causes in our lives.
That said, if your loved one suddenly is less tolerant of demands on their time, or they take longer to get ready to go out the door because they want to look nice, or they like to go clothes shopping, YES they have changed. No, that's not necessarily a bad thing.
On the same token some of us go through a serious "butthole phase" where we are a bit self-centered and hard to deal with (present company included). In those cases, address the behavior in particular. For example, if you find your loved one talks nonstop about their post-op life, you might say: "Hey, I know you've got lots going on, what else is happening in your life?" We go through stages after surgery and we are human. If we are being inconsiderate it may be a stage and we may not be aware we are doing it. But implying that it's bad we are changing isn't helpful or constructive.
If we're doing something that bugs you, talk to us respectfully about the thing we are doing instead of generalizing. Bonus: you actually have a chance of working it out when you do it this way!
Print 
PDF
10 comments:
Let's not forget "Are you sure you should be eating that?"
Just....UGH!
I have reached a point where I now ask the asker, "Why, you look like you have gained weight... How much have you gained?"
That generally will stop them dead in their tracks...
Or it's the cheating lazy way...
Sadly I DO have a friend who had the surgery and it did NOT work...I feel bad for her because she still cannot eat a lot and will get very sick if she over eats....
First off, I have utmost respect for those who choose to undergo bariatric surgery. To make the decision to permanently change the rest of your life in order to increase your health is one that takes courage and determination. In all honesty it really is the "ultimate commitment" to weight loss. Having said that, As a "non-op" I find it really irritating when someone who has had successful bariatric surgery starts to lecture their larger friends who are still struggling with their weight about what to eat. I had a person I worked with once tell me, "If you would just watch what you eat and maybe exercise a little more, you'd see some results." It was very difficult to not retort with, "Well if I had stapled 3/4 of my stomach off it wouldn't be that difficult to watch what I ate, now would I?" Obviously that comment would have been inappropriate, and so I simply smiled and moved on. The point is, once you have been successful, no matter what route you took to achieve your goal, it is easy to start lecturing and becoming condescending. Try to remember the struggle before the surgery and recognize that it isn't the right route for everyone. Many of the things you've listed aren't just things that you shouldn't say to someone who has had bariatric surgery, but things you shouldn't say to people at all, unless you're a giant douche. Congratulations to all of the "ops?" out there who have taken such a giant leap to ensure their health, and best of luck on your continuing weight loss journeys! :)
One that I disagree with is the part about losing too much. Sometimes, post-ops DO lose to much. My mother and I both had Roux-En-Y. I lost over 200 pounds, then gained after having two children, back to back. I still am working on my own weight loss... 6+ years after having my last child. My mother, however, started at over 260 pounds and lost WAY too much. She weighed UNDER 100 pounds by the time she was 2 years out. She followed the doctor's directions on eating, vitamins, etc. So, I'm sorry, but I disagree with NOT telling someone if he or she has lost too much. Some DO lose too much, even when they are under close supervision from the surgeon and/or primary physician. My mother was skin and bones. She was physically weak. She fell, multiple times. She had to have surgery... then developed an infection that her body couldn't fight. Just over 2 years after her surgery, she died. If I could go back, would I still support her decision to have WLS? Yes. However, I would suggest a different surgeon, for sure. But you better believe that THIS post-op will most definitely tell someone if he or she has lost too much. Even under close supervision, there IS such a thing as losing too much!
On behalf of the folks I've spoken to, I disagree. I have many Foodies who did in fact loss too much and most reported that being told that wasn't very helpful. For what it's worth I don't think folks should really make comments in either direction (too big or too small). Most times people know already and being told constantly usually doesn't do anything constructive.
I think anyone who tries to change their life to be healthier is awesome. Period! This post really just was an addendum to the article about things people who lose weight are told (linked). I think WLSers get some of the same comments but there are a few we in particular hear a lot that I wanted to speak l. Thanks for weighing in!
I quite like it when people mind their own damned business about my shape and size, like I mind my own about theirs. So, keeping schtum and talking about more interesting things than one's weight, on either side of a conversation, is my preferred way to roll!
Lol. That's great.
Post a Comment